


Ibuki's Safety Seminar

by The_SS_Koizumi



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Face Punching, Hinata's orange juice fetish, Implied sex that didn't actually happen, Junkie Tsumiki?, Komaeda's a stalker, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5253116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_SS_Koizumi/pseuds/The_SS_Koizumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Souda's neighbor's house gets broken into, Ibuki becomes obsessed with teaching her friends about safety. She takes things a bit too far, though, and a new obsession forms...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who's the Daddy?

Ibuki waited impatiently for her frozen enchiladas to thaw in the microwave. There was still a whole minute and a half before they were done. Each second she had to wait killed her soul a little bit more. Her face was nearly pressed up against the microwave.

Her roommate, Mahiru Koizumi, walked in. "You shouldn't stand in front of the microwave, Ibuki. It's dangerous."

Ibuki jumped back, but then wondered, "why?"

Koizumi shrugged. "It just is."

The timer beeped, and Ibuki squealed. "Enchiladas yessss!"

Koizumi chuckled and shook her head. Ibuki sure was a strange one. Koizumi grabbed an orange, and headed into the living room to watch the ten 'o clock news. 

"The news?" Ibuki cried in outrage. "Ibuki hates the news. It's icky."

"It's informational, and it's good to know what's going on in the world," Koizumi lectured the musician. She clicked on the TV, and images of a broken-in home with police cars parked all around it appeared on the screen. 

"Look! I can see Kazuichi-chan's house in the background! Kazuichi-chan's house is famous!" Ibuki rocked back and forth in excitement. 

Koizumi squinted at the screen. "Oh my god, you're right! Souda-san's neighbor's house was robbed! That could have been Souda-san's house! That was really close," Koizumi marveled at the odds. Of course, Souda lived in a not-so-nice part of town, so stuff like that happened all of the time. 

Ibuki looked over at Koizumi. "So it could have been Kazuichi-chan? Is Kazuichi-chan in danger? We have to save him! Now! Let's go!"

Koizumi grabbed Ibuki before she could go and try to "save" Souda. "We're not going anywhere tonight. Souda-San is fine. I'll call him, just to make sure. Ok?" Koizumi turned off the TV. Maybe the news was a bit too intense for Ibuki. 

\---

Ibuki went to bed that night more worried than she had ever been in her entire life. She had so many friends, and they all lived in such a scary world. Anything could happen to them at any time. Then, it hit her. If she couldn't protect her friends herself, then she can at least tell them how to protect themselves. 

She reached for her cell phone, and sent a quick group text to every one of her friends. 

*Said Text*  
Everyone! Come to Ibuki's apartment ASAP! Mahiru-chan needs you guys here! Now!

She decided to claim that Koizumi needed help because it would seem more serious if Koizumi was unable to send a text of her own. It was all about results. 

Saionji responded: Oh my god! What happened?

Damn. Ibuki hadn't thought they would wonder what was wrong. She just expected them to immediately rush over, so Ibuki could teach them about safety! Ibuki thought for a moment, and came up with a lie: Mahiru-chan's having the baby! 

Hinata responded: WHAT? Koizumi's pregnant? How come I didn't know?

Tsumiki joined in: She never showed any signs of pregnancy, as far as I'm aware.

Then came Owari's colorful response: Who's the daddy? Is it Souda? Gundham? Fuyuhiko? Komaeda? Oh god, don't say it's Komaeda.

Souda: Nope. 

Komaeda: I'm offended, but no, I'm not the father.

Gundham: EXCUSE YOURSELF MADAM I AM WITH PRINCESS SONIA AND I LOVE HER VERY MUCH. 

Then, surprisingly, Peko: I will fight you. Right. Now. 

Ibuki was getting impatient: OMG guys what's wrong with you, Mahiru-chan's in labour, and I can't drive after I got that DUI after the yacht party! Help!

Owari: Ibuki got a DUI? I wonder what else happened at the party...

Saionji: Oh my god no! Koizumi isn't pregnant! She's lying! 

Fuyuhiko: I don't care. I'm coming over. We have no idea what could be going on. 

Ibuki was starting to feel regret for making everyone worry, but immediately swallowed it down. She needed to keep her friends safe!

\---

Fuyuhiko, Peko, Gundham, Komaeda, Hinata, Tsumiki, Owari, Saionji, and Souda all arrived to the apartment building around the same time, and burst into Ibuki's apartment together.

"Where's Koizumi?" Owari shouted, with her fighting face on. 

Ibuki pointed to Koizumi's room, momentarily forgetting the text she sent them. They all stormed into her room. "Wait!" Ibuki tried to stop them, but was unable to. Soon enough, a scream came from Koizumi's room. 

"What are you guys doing here?" Koizumi shrieked. 

"We're gonna deliver your baby," Souda stated confidently. 

Saionji walked in, holding a belt. "I brought this for you to bite on when the baby comes out, big-sis-Mahiru."

Koizumi looked frightened as Saionji shoved the belt into her mouth. 

Komaeda walked over to her. "You can squeeze my hand as hard as you'd like, if that will help," He grabbed her hand, making things about 200 percent more uncomfortable. 

Akane cracked her knuckles. "Let's get this thing out!" She began pushing down on Koizumi's stomach, as though she was performing CPR. Koizumi have out a little scream. 

"That's not how you deliver a baby!" Tsumiki sobbed. 

Akane looked confused. "I'm pumping! You're supposed to pump something, right?"

Tsumiki pushed Akane aside. "Everyone but me, Saionji, Mioda, and Komaeda, get out!" Tsumiki was showing a surprising amount of force. 

Everyone shrugged, and left to the living room. Koizumi tried to get up. 

"You stay, too!" Tsumiki pushed the confused photographer down.

Koizumi spat out the belt. "What are you doing to me? Why do you keep talking about a baby? 

Tsumiki looked over at Ibuki. "There is no baby, is there?"

Koizumi shook Komaeda and Tsumiki off angrily. "You thought I was in labour, and you were going to let this guy," she gestured to Komaeda, "watch? You weren't even going to take me to the hospital? Why did you think I was having a baby in the first place?"

Everyone in the room glared at Ibuki. 

"Why did you do that Ibuki?" Saionji asked, looking seriously pissed. Then, she noticed that Ibuki was wrapped in police tape, and had a traffic cone on top of her head. "And what are you wearing?"

Ibuki had been waiting for that question. "I called you here to give you a safety seminar," she burst into the living room. "Safety seminar time!"

Fuyuhiko raised an eyebrow. "What? Where's the baby?"

Komaeda came out of the room with the others. "There is no baby. This was a trick, and we all fell for it. Good thing we carpooled, because this has been a complete waste of gas."

"No! Sit down and listen to Ibuki's seminar! Now! What do you do when a man comes at you in the middle of an empty parking lot with a hockey stick? What do you do if a serial killer jumps out of your bedroom closet? These are things you need to know!" Ibuki blocked the door with her body.

"C'mon Ibuki. Let us out."

"It's two in the morning."

"I want to go home."

"Those things will never happen."

They all pushed past Ibuki, and left the apartment, leaving Ibuki alone with Koizumi.

Koizumi crossed her arms. "Now that I've been thoroughly traumatized, I'm going to bed. I suggest you do the same, Ibuki."

But how could Ibuki sleep? Her friends were still in terrible danger, and they still didn't know how to protect themselves. What was she going to do? And then it hit her. The best way to learn is from experience! Ibuki just has to give them experience...


	2. The People of Walmart

Ibuki waited impatiently underneath Hajime Hinata's car in a desolate Walmart parking lot at 11 o'clock at night. Komaeda said that Hinata always goes to the store at this time to get groceries. Ibuki wasn't sure how Komaeda had gotten that information, but Ibuki didn't care. She was saving Hajime-chan's life.

She heard footsteps approaching the car, and she grasped her hockey stick tightly. She could see Hajime-chan's feet as he opened up the trunk. She grabbed his ankle, and pulled him down to the ground. Hinata let out a girlish shriek of terror. Ibuki rolled out from under the car, in her ski mask, and screamed. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Hinata gave another high-pitched scream, and attempted to scramble back to his feet, but slipped in a puddle of orange juice that had leaked from his fallen shopping bag. He realized what he had fallen in, and felt himself getting hard, despite his terror. 

Ibuki raised her hockey stick, but then realized that Hinata was sobbing like a small child, with a boner, lying in a puddle of orange juice. 

"No!" Komaeda came barreling towards Ibuki, coming out of nowhere. He tackled her, but Ibuki punched him in the face, and he stumbled back off of her. Ibuki took off her mask. 

"It's just Ibuki, guys! Ibuki's teaching you about safety! Through experience!" Ibuki threw down the hockey stick. 

Komaeda and Hinata looked at Ibuki in shock. Hinata's pants were wet around the crotch. Oh god, Ibuki thought, he peed himself. 

Komaeda helped Hinata up. "What the Hell, Ibuki?!? You scared Hinata, and punched me in the face!"

Ibuki had a question: "Why were you here, Komaeda?"

Komaeda sputtered, "T-that's irrelevant! G-go home Ibuki!"

Komaeda and Hinata left, and even though they had not fully learned the rules of safety like Ibuki had wanted, she decided to come back to them later. She had other friends to save.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, guys. There just needs to be more fanfics with the tag Hinata Hajime/orange juice.


	3. Ibuki Mioda: SHSL Ninja

Fuyuhiko's house is really, really big, but surprisingly easy to break into. All Ibuki had to do was shimmy up a tree, climb onto the roof, slide down the rain gutter, pick the lock to the window, and slide right in. Easy! She was currently underneath Fuyuhiko's bed, waiting for him to enter the room. Then, a door opened, and someone turned on the light switch. Ibuki could hear them walking around, and then they sat on the bed. Ibuki could feel the weight pushing down on her. She could feel the anticipation, heightening her senses, making her feel more alive than she had ever felt before. She rolled out from under the bed, and cried, "Boo!"

It was really dark. How could Ibuki know that the walls were painted a bright pink, and there were boy band posters plastered on the walls, and a terrifying-looking cabinet full of weapons... Ibuki couldn't have known that she had not broken into her friend's room. She had broken into her friend's sister's room.

That girl can scream, and kick, and punch. Ibuki actually thinks the sister bit her a little bit, too. And then Peko burst in, alarmed from all of the screaming. She had her sword out, and as soon as she saw Ibuki (in a ski mask) pinned down on the floor by Fuyuhiko's sister, she pressed her sword against Ibuki's neck, and whispered in a rough voice. "Who are you? Why are you here?"

Ibuki began to panic. "Peko-chan! Please don't kill Ibuki! Ibuki just wants to teach you about safety!"

Peko took the sword away, and tore away Ibuki's mask. She shook her head in disbelief. "Mioda, this is extremely stupid and dangerous. Never come back here again. Do you understand?"

Ibuki nodded, and as soon as Fuyuhiko's sister got off of her, she bolted out of the house, tears streaming down her face. Never before in her life had she felt so humiliated. That didn't mean she was about to give up, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fun.


	4. Souda's (Wet) Dream

Souda had been told by Hinata, Komaeda, and Peko about how insane Ibuki has been getting about that whole safety thing. Souda had actually thought that it was really sweet, how much Ibuki worried about all of them. He liked that feeling, that someone actually cared about him.

She may have been able to frighten Hinata, and beat the crap out of Komaeda, but Souda liked to think that he was tougher than them. That, if Ibuki decided to assault him, he would deal with it in a calm and civilized manner. 

Souda was waiting at the bus stop for a ride home from work. He had his hands tucked into his pockets, trying to look as tough as possible (to scare away the thugs) and he thought he heard a noise. He glanced around, trying not to lose his cool, and saw a girl-shaped shadow emerge from one of the buildings across the street. The shadow person stepped into the light of a street lamp directly across the street from Souda, and he could see her a bit more clearly, but it was hard to tell whether he recognized her or not. Then, an awful thought hit him. Was that Ibuki, trying to scare him? He squinted at the girl, she didn't look a whole lot like Ibuki. She appeared to be wearing a really frilly dress-something that Ibuki would never wear, and she had these huge, spiral pigtails, like, almost as big as her head. 

Souda, in his paranoid, panicked state of mind decided that this, indeed, was Ibuki in disguise. He felt his heart beating out of his chest. What was she going to do to him? He felt like he was going to throw up. What kind of weapon was she going to attack him with? She had stamina for days, she could beat the crap out of him. He started glancing around, looking for somewhere to run. 

Someone tackled him from behind, knocking him to the ground. Souda screamed about an octave higher than Hinata did, and tried (and failed) to squirm out from underneath Ibuki. Souda was thinking that maybe Ibuki was a vampire, and that's how she got over there so fast, so he was expecting her to, you know, bite him. He stopped struggling. Maybe it would be fun to be a vampire with Ibuki forever. He began to daydream about being a vampire with Ibuki:

*Souda's Dream*  
He and Ibuki live in a castle even bigger than Princess Sonia's. Every evening they would emerge from their coffin (yup, they share one) and feast on crazy freaks like Komaeda and Hanamura. They have 32 vampire babies, and the girls are named Ibuki jr., and the boys are named Kazuichi jr., and...

"Kazuichi-chan? Are you alive?" Ibuki snapped him out of his daydream. "Ew! Kazuichi-chan! You're like Hajime-chan!"

"What?" Souda jumped off as soon as Ibuki let him go. He looked down at his crotch, and noticed the piss stain on the front. And the puddle on the ground...

Ibuki laughed, "You're like a little puppy!"

Souda shook his head, disappointed. "So you're not a vampire?"

Ibuki looked confused. "Why would you think that?"

Souda pointed at the lamp post across the street. "Just a second ago you were-wait," he noticed the creepy girl was still there. 

She smiled and waved at him.

He waved back in awe, unsure of how to react to this. He was just scared out of his mind by a random girl, had his dreams shattered, and pissed his pants right in front of the prettiest girl in the world. His bus rolled over to the stop. "Umm...this is my bus. Bye?" He blushed, not sure of what else to do. 

Ibuki smiled at him. "Bye Kazuichi-chan! Ibuki hopes you have learned a very valuable lesson!" 

The urine-soaked boy climbed onto the bus. "I'm sure I did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this really meaningful, heartfelt message.


	5. Teacher's Pet

Ibuki left the bus stop, still blushing. What was that about? She thought, why did her lesson in safety end out so...weird? What was Kazuichi-chan daydreaming about? These thoughts swirled through her head, and she began walking home. It was kind of thrilling, though, "teaching" people. She enjoyed the feeling, the high of jumping out at someone with a weapon, seeing the silly faces they make, contorting in a ridiculous terror, even though Ibuki had no intentions of hurting them. She thought it was especially funny when they realized they had wet themselves. She probably knew, deep inside that she wasn't really teaching anyone. Was she just doing this because she liked planking people? 

Psh. Of course not. 

Ibuki passed by an Applebee's, and noticed something strange. Hanamura was standing on top of a box in the alleyway next to the restaurant, peeking into a window. Hanamura hadn't even come to the safety seminar, so really, he was the most endangered of all of her friends. Ibuki looked closer. Was he peeking into the ladies restroom? Icky! Ibuki pulled on her ski mask, and charged for the pervert. "Raaaaaahhhhh!" She screamed. 

Hanamura turned and looked at the musician in shock. Then, realizing that he was about to be brutally assaulted, he turned and ran in the opposite direction. Ibuki chased him for a good 300 feet, until the alley ended, and a brick wall blocked their path. Hanamura tried desperately to climb up the wall, but even someone who didn't have short, stubby limbs like his would have trouble getting up. The only thing to do now was to wait for death. Or...possibly beg for his life...maybe? 

He fell to his knees. "Please, strange man! Spare my life! I will do anything!" He realized that the form before him was quite feminine. "Anything," a trickle of blood crept from his nose. 

Ibuki cringed. "Ew! Teruteru-chan, that's really icky!"

Teruteru jumped up, "Ibuki?"

Ibuki glanced around nervously. Crap! She was caught! "N-no! Not Ibuki! I'm a scary man, rawr! Try to defend yourself!" 

Teruteru tried to throw a punch, but was stopped by Ibuki's hockey stick. "Ow! Ibuki, stop!"

Ibuki began to get angry. Why won't they just listen to what she has to say? That's all she ever wanted. She just needs them to be safe! She shouted, "No! I'm a scary man! I'm gonna assault you! What do you do?"

Hanamura looked confused. "What do I do? Run, I guess?"

Ibuki nodded. "Good! Try that!"

Hanamura tried to run past Ibuki, but Ibuki grabbed ahold of him, and pushed him back into the alleyway. 

"Nice try, but that won't work. Try something else."

Hanamura charged at Ibuki, but this time, he kicked her in the shin. Ibuki crumpled, and Hanamura ran away. 

While she was on the ground, Ibuki made a realization. Hanamura is an idiot, and a pervert. He didn't even come to the seminar (which is surprising, because Ibuki thought that Hanamura would enjoy seeing Koizumi give birth) but so far, he has been her best-scoring, most cooperative student out of the whole bunch (except maybe Peko, who handled that pretty well) Good job, Hanamura. 

"A+" work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Teruteru the new karate kid? I think so.


	6. A Surprise for Tsumiki

Tsumiki seemed like she would be a willing student, and Ibuki hadn't seen her in a while, so she decided to pay her a visit, along with some private tutoring. Ibuki felt Tsumiki might want to learn something new. Tsumiki was really nice, so Ibuki doubted that the nurse would punch her in the face. 

Ibuki was trying to pick the lock to Tsumiki's door, but was finding it quite difficult. She had picked window locks before, but unfortunately, window locks are different from door locks. Ibuki spent about fifteen minutes on the lock before she gave up and decided to just break it off. She was sure Tsumiki wouldn't mind after she explained why she had broken the lock.

After breaking into Tsumiki's apartment, Ibuki sat herself down on the couch. She wasn't sure is Tsumiki would be able to handle having someone jumping out of a closet, or from under the bed. All that was left to do was wait for her newest student to come home.

About five minutes later, Ibuki heard Tsumiki's cry of shock, after discovering her lock broken. The door slowly opened, and Tsumiki cautiously entered. She caught sight of Ibuki and screamed at a pitch higher than Hinata's, but lower than Souda's. 

Ibuki jumped up and cried, "Rawr! I'm a robber!"

Tsumiki immediately fell down to the floor, sobbing. "Waaaa! Please don't hurt me! You can take whatever you want, just don't hurt me!" She continued to sob as Ibuki awkwardly stood over her, feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet. 

Ibuki removed her mask, and crouched down next to Tsumiki. "Mikan-chan, don't be scared. It's just Ibuki, here to teach you about safety." She made her voice as comforting as possible. 

Tsumiki stopped crying, and smiled a little. She sniffled, "Oh, so you were just tricking me?" She giggled. "That was really funny. I envy you. You get to run around scaring people."

Ibuki was surprised. "How do you know you're not the only one?"

Tsumiki shrugged. "Everyone's been complaining about you behind your back."

Ibuki sat down on the couch, but then shot straight back up. "Ouch! There's something sharp on the couch, Mikan-chan!" She held up a syringe, which still had...something...in it. 

Tsumiki yanked the syringe away. "Don't touch it! It's mine!"

Ibuki backed away a little, but then had an idea. "Hey, do you want to help me teach people about safety?"

Tsumiki squealed and clapped her hands. "Let's scare Owari-San!"

Ibuki shook her head rapidly. "N-no. That sounds really, really dangerous. How about Nagito-chan? He still needs to be scared-I mean taught."

Tsumiki grinned, happy to be included in something. "Sounds like fun! Let's break into his house and jump out of his closet! We'll be like the ghosts in a horror movie!"

Ibuki smiled nervously, slightly concerned for her friend. She wondered whether or not riling Tsumiki up like this was a good idea. Who knows what she could be planning in her head. Nothing good could come from someone who has a chair designed for anal probing inside of their apartment. 

Oh well. Too late now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are going to love what I have planned for the next chapter.


	7. Out of the Closet

Ibuki and Tsumiki stood outside of Komaeda's mansion, marveling at the building's sheer size. 

"Komaeda-San never acts like a rich kid, but he really is wealthy." Tsumiki observed, "How good do you think the alarm system is?"

Ibuki pulled out a crowbar. "I guess we'll just have to find out." Ibuki ran up to the front door and jammed her crowbar into the gap between the door and its frame. After some pushing and kicking, the door flew open. To Ibuki's surprise, no alarm went off. No one even appeared to be home. 

Tsumiki glanced around the dark mansion. "I wonder where Komaeda-San could possibly be? I wouldn't think he'd be the kind of person to go out this late...to go out at all, in fact." The nurse tiptoed cautiously into the house, trying to avoid any alarms she might trip. 

Ibuki, on the other hand, stomped forward without any regards for any alarms that could go off. She figured that Komaeda didn't care enough to spend time and money installing an alarm. She grabbed the nurse, who was still hopping around like an idiot, and dragged her up the large staircase located right in the middle of the room. At the top of the staircase was a long hallway, lined with at least a dozen doors. 

Tsumiki fiddled with her hair nervously. "Which one is Komaeda's room? I've never been here before."

Ibuki shushed her accomplice, and placed her hand over the girls mouth. "Shhhh. I hear something." Ibuki could hear the faint sounds of a television. She dragged a confused Tsumiki down the hallway near the noise, until she came across the spot where the noise was the loudest. Ibuki cautiously pushed open the door. Inside was a bedroom that didn't really have much in it, but was still nonetheless, messy. A bed was pushed into the far right corner, and the closet was opposite to it. Right next to the door, there was a television set, and it was playing...

"Oh my god! Is that porn?" Tsumiki gasped in horror. Then, just to make things worse, the pale face of Gundham Tanaka appeared on the screen. Tsumiki shrieked. "Oh my god, is that Tanaka-San?!?!" They watched their friend moan and writhe on the screen for a few more minutes, just to be sure. 

Ibuki picked up the DVD case lying next to the TV, and searched through the credits. She found Gundham's name. "Yep, Gundham-chan's in this movie. How come he never told us that he was famous?"

They heard a car door shut outside. "Oh crap! He's home!" Tsumiki began to panic. She pulled Ibuki away from the porn, and scrambled to get them into the closet. 

A couple of minutes later, two people entered the bedroom, giggling like naughty little schoolchildren. Ibuki could hear Hinata's voice. 

"Ummmm...Komaeda. Is that porn? Oh god...is that Gundham?"

"Um...well, you see..."

"You were getting off to images of your friend getting off?"

"Yeah...pretty much."

"Wow, Komaeda. This is a new side of you that I'm seeing. It's making me kind of horny."

Nobody said anything after that, but there was still some perverted laughter. 

Tsumiki looked over at Ibuki. "What do you think is going on?"

Ibuki shrugged. "Who cares? It's time to do some teaching!" She tried to get up. 

Tsumiki grabbed her arm. "No Ibuki! I think this is a really bad time to be doing this. Maybe we should just wait it out and..." She could hear moans coming from the bedroom. 

Ibuki laughed at her silly friend. "What? So you've decided that you're too chicken now? I'm going in." Before Tsumiki could object, the over zealous musician burst out of the closet, and immediately froze in shock. Komaeda...was...on top of Hinata...and Hinata...was wearing...?

Tsumiki emerged timidly from the closet, and cried out in shock at the sight of the two boys making out. Komaeda was startled by Tsumiki's cry, and he spun his head around, a little stream of saliva dangling from his mouth. Tsumiki's eyes wandered over to Hinata, and realized that he was wearing a torn-up nurse's dress which looked quite familiar...and sexy..."Oh my god! Is that my dress?"

Hinata looked like a deer caught in headlights. He nodded slowly. 

Tsumiki pulled on her hair despairingly. "You ruined it! That costs money, you know! How did you even get my dress?"

Komaeda shrugged. "Ummm...your lock was broken...so...wait...how did you get in here?"

Ibuki froze. She thought she was helping her friends but she was only making them more vulnerable!

Hinata's face was beet red. He stuttered, "Y-you c-can have the dress back, T-Tsumiki-San."

Tsumiki rolled her eyes. "No, just keep it." She sighed. "This is why I can't have nice things. Well, this and my drug addiction."

What? Ibuki thought. Drugs?

Tsumiki sat down on a chair. "Okay, you may continue now."

"What?" Komaeda looked at her in shock. 

"You broke into my house and invaded my privacy, so I'm breaking into your house and invading your privacy." Tsumiki glared at them, dead serious. 

"What the hell, Tsumiki? Why are you acting so OOC?" Hinata's face was almost the same color as the hickeys on his neck. 

Ibuki began to back away towards the door. "Ummm...I'm going to go now." She really didn't care to see any more of her friends screw. She bolted, and she heard Komaeda and Tsumiki arguing down the hallway. 

"GET OUT, TSUMIKI YOU PERVERT!"

"NO YOU PRICK YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE AND RUINED MY FAVORITE DRESS!"

"I DONT CARE, GET OUT!"

Maybe Ibuki should stop, Ibuki thought, Ibuki's ruining everyone's friendships. 

\---

"God, Ibuki." Koizumi held her head in her hands. "You broke into people's houses and assaulted them in alleyways? Where was I when this was happening?"

Ibuki thought for a moment. "I usually waited for you to go to sleep or take a shower. Your showers are long."

Koizumi sighed. "I'm going to call Hinata-kun to apologize. Just stop...okay?" She dialed Hinata's number into her cell phone and listened to it ring. After a minute, she hung up and sighed again. "Voice mail. God, Ibuki, you really messed things up."

Ibuki's lip quivered, and she broke into a full-out sobbing fit. She burrowed her face into Koizumi's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Gundham's a porn star. It just had to be done.


	8. Don't do Drugs, Kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Last chapter!

Tsumiki, get out," Komaeda was trying his best not to completely freak out. 

The nurse crossed her arms. "No. I'm not leaving until I get some action."

Komaeda and Hinata exchanged a concerned glance. She wasn't going to leave until she got what she wanted. Tsumiki sighed impatiently. 

'Bitch.' Hinata thought. 'I just want her to go away. She's totally ruining the mood.'

Komaeda quickly grabbed Hinata and shoved his tongue into his poor boyfriend's mouth. He swirled it around, and Hinata could feel Komaeda's knee brush his crotch pleasurably. He let out a moan, and Komaeda pulled away from him. 

"Are you happy now? Will you just go home?" Komaeda looked really, really angry. 

Tsumiki shrugged. "Okay, I guess." She stood up, and calmly left the room. A few seconds later, they heard the damaged front door close. 

Komaeda was still breathing heavily. He looked over at Hinata apologetically. "I'm really, really sorry. I was just trying to get her to leave."

Hinata crossed his arms, feeling violated. "Yeah, well, you should have at least asked. Or maybe called the police?" Hinata looked down at himself, taking in his own attire. "Actually, never mind. I wouldn't want to explain this to the police."

Komaeda laughed. "Yeah." He paused. "Tsumiki really ruined the mood, didn't she? I would understand if you just wanted me to take you home."

Hinata shook his head. "No, it's okay. Let's continue where we left-"

They were startled by Gundham's sudden screams of pleasure. 

Hinata glanced at his porn-star friend, and then stood up. "Yeah. This is getting too weird. I want to go home."

\---

"Thanks, Komaeda. I'm really sorry about how tonight went. I definitely want to try again another time, though." Hinata smiled at a disappointed Komaeda, as he unlocked the front door to his house. He tried to turn the knob, but it was locked. Did he just lock the door? The door must have already been unlocked, though, for that to happen, and Hinata could have sworn he had locked the door before he went out. Oh god, had Ibuki decided to break into his house, too? But then, she would have to have a key. 

What? 

Hinata slowly opened the door, and Komaeda turned to leave. Hinata grabbed Komaeda's arm. "Don't go just yet. I think someone's in the house."

Komaeda raised his eyebrows. "Like Ibuki?"

"I wouldn't put it past her."

Komaeda sighed, and entered the house, looking around to make sure no one's hiding there. Komaeda went from the living room to the kitchen cautiously. They heard a loud crash come from the bedroom. Komaeda grabbed a knife from the knife drawer, ignored Hinata's protests against using a knife to scare away their friend, and entered the bedroom. 

It wasn't Ibuki. 

"Where's your money, Hinata?" A boy with extremely long black hair that seemed to have a mind of its own demanded. Other than the hair, his resemblance to Hinata was...uncanny. 

Hinata stood up straighter. "Hi, Izuru. So, you've run out of money...again?"

Izuru rolled his eyes. "Yeah. So? Give me your money!"

Komaeda was confused. "Hinata-kun, you know this guy?"

Izuru answered for him. "Yeah, I'm his brother." A strand of Izuru's hair slipped into his pocket and withdrew a gun. "Now give me your money, for god's sake!"

Hinata cried out in shock and cowered behind Komaeda, and Komaeda tried to do the same thing. He slowly let go of Komaeda, and inched towards his dresser. He pointed towards it. "My money is in there." His voice came out shaky and weak. This was the first time he had seen his brother since he stole that boat and fled to South Korea a few months ago. What a touching family reunion. His talented brother was using his hair to threaten him and his boyfriend with a gun- but that's not the only thing he uses that talent for, if you know what I mean *winks*

Komaeda decided he needed to take action. He prepared to pounce on the hair fucker to save his true love, but then, a syringe flew by and hit Izuru right in the neck. Komaeda looked at the doorway in shock, and saw Tsumiki standing there with a handful of needles. 

"You're lucky I followed you home." Tsumiki looked proud. 

Suddenly, Hinata's phone rang, and he reached for it. Tsumiki screamed, startled, and sent the needle flying. The sharp, dangerous object hit Hinata's hand and stuck. 

Hinata screamed in pain. 

"Whoops," Tsumiki cringed. "Sorry, I'm still pretty jittery."

Komaeda examined the wound on his lover's hand. "What's in these needles, anyway?"

Tsumiki comforted Komaeda. "Just some mild tranquilizers." 

Hinata soon fell to the floor, unconscious. 

Komaeda looked at Tsumiki in disbelief. "Mild?"

Tsumiki shrugged, and changed the subject. "Do you have any duct tape we can tie up that guy with?" She gestured towards Izuru.

"Probably." Komaeda hoisted Hinata onto the bed, and searched Hinata's top left drawer. There wasn't any duct tape, but there was a dildo. Komaeda looked at the purple dick-shaped object. He would deal with that later. 

Eventually, Komaeda found the duct tape, and they used the powers of Hope and teamwork to hog-tie Hinata-kun's brother and lock him in the closet. They decided to let Hinata-kun make the decisions on what to do with the robber. 

Tsumiki looked over at Komaeda. "Ibuki taught me how to do that syringe thing."

Komaeda raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

Tsumiki looked at her hands. "Yeah. I guess she did teach us all a little something."

Komaeda shook his head. "No, she really didn't. I learned nothing from this experience, and I hope Ibuki never does anything like this ever again."

\---

EPILOGUE

Komaeda had invited all of their friends to the local coffee shop. He said that he had a surprise for everyone. Ibuki and Koizumi looked extremely embarrassed, as did Souda, mostly because he pissed himself. Akane, Saionji, and Gundham all looked extremely confused, because none of them had been a part of the story. Gundham also didn't understand why everyone was looking so strangely at him. Peko stood between Ibuki and Fuyuhiko protectively, afraid of another attack. Hinata was still groggy from the tranquilizers, and Tsumiki had a new sense of self-empowerment. Teruteru watched from a distance. 

Komaeda entered the shop, which was full of impatient friends. He clapped his hands together. "You guys know how I'm super rich?"

Saionji glanced around. "Komaeda's rich?"

He cleared his throat. "Well, we all know how much Ibuki wants us to be safe, right? So I bought us all a few karate lessons at Miss. Sakura's karate dojo! Yay! So we can protect ourselves!"

Ibuki jumped up, cheering. "Yay!" She suddenly looked embarrassed. "And by the way, Ibuki's really sorry about scaring you guys."

Everyone sort of murmured an "okay" in unison, but the drugged-up Hinata decided to accept the apology in a more colorful way. He stood up and stumbled towards Ibuki. "It's all right Ibuki. You're our bestie. We love you, man." Hinata put his arm around Ibuki, and gave her a great big kiss on the cheek, just long enough to be really, really awkward. 

Komaeda dragged his boyfriend away. "Awe. How touching. Time to go Hinata-kun." Komaeda ushered him out as quickly as possible, but the gang was still able to hear Hinata begin to ask Komaeda for sex. 

*The Moral of this Story*

Don't do drugs, kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the world would probably be a better place without this fanfic. I just don't care. Hope you enjoyed reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. There's more coming!


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